21. The Importance Of Being Able To Say “No”

Published: 31st January 2007
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Do you easily manage to say "No" to someone who wants a favour from you, while deep inside you feel you want to refuse?

Or do you, like I used to do for quite some time, roll across your feeling with a bulldozer and say: "Yes, of course .....", because you feel uncomfortable saying "No".



If you are prepared to follow the self motivation tips hereunder you will create healthier boundaries and with some self motivation exercise you will ultimately acquire the necessary self motivation skills.



I remember it took me quite some time to change from a person who wanted to please others, into a person who is consciously aware of what he feels and really stands for what he wants.



I used to waist far too much time with projects and activities that I really did not want to do. I was simply spending valuable moments of my time on other people's good opportunities.



My mentor taught me how important it was for me to become experienced at feeling what I felt, at questioning myself if this was what I truly wanted, and at saying "No" if it wasn't.



Learning to live our full potential also means that we have to learn to not always say "Yes" to what other people want. We can only move forward with our dreams and goals if we are focused on the things that will produce them.



My mentor made me decide on what I wanted in my life and what I didn't.

He convinced me to make these my personal policies.

If I didn't want to let friends borrow money any longer, then I had to make it my personal policy.

If I didn't want to discuss important business deals over the phone anymore, then I had to make that my personal policy.



In general it's not difficult to say to people what our policies are and we don't even have to say the word "No".

People tend to respect policies. And it's likely that no one will take them personally. They simply realize it's a healthy boundary you have set for all occasions.



It gets more tricky to say "No" , however, when what we are being offered sounds attractive.

How can we determine for ourselves what is a good choice and what isn't?



I have learned to put such opportunity in writing, close my eyes and ask myself the following questions:



First of all I ask myself: "Would doing this be in my highest option"?, and when I feel it is, I ask myself what kind of information I need to gather and what I would need to do to make it happen.



Next I compare that information with what I know about achieving my goals.

Is everything in line or is this opportunity leading me down a different path?

Is it harmonizing with the purpose I am passionate about, or does it simply sound better than what I am doing at that moment?



It's good to talk to a mentor or other advisors about potential opportunities and reflect on their knowledge and expertise. They can help to become aware of what's involved and they can help to stay focused on our goals and dreams.



After a couple of years of practice I have learned to stay focused on my higher goals and I have learned to say no to good opportunities that interfere with my higher goals.

I had to discover that I was not rejected for saying "No". Actually I noticed that people respected me for my clarity and drive.



You know, we are in control of how we feel and how we behave and express ourselves, and so are others.

That means that if other people get upset with you saying "No", well, that's their choice. Isn't it?





Ab van Deemter (http://www.passiontogrow.com) is a Personal Growth specialist and a spiritual person, who believes in sharing his knowledge of personal perseverance. He has studied metaphysics and other holistic methods for many, many years and embarked on a life of success. With successful tools for personal freedom he has made it past a life full of obstacles and now mentors and teaches business owners, their staff, his own employees, as well as a large group of private individuals.


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